Bond, James Bond, yeah that guy.
The name has become a national institution.
The secret agent whose escapades have stood the test of time and still captures the world’s imagination.
This week the latest 007 instalment ‘Spectre’ was unleashed and once again women swooned over a man who loves to gamble, drink and well…you know the rest.
But what is it about James Bond that men in particular, find so magnetic?
Sure you hear of the perks but what is the reality? Here’s 5 reasons why a day in the life of James Bond might not be all it’s cracked up to be.
Car insurance
Have you seen how many crashes this man gets into?
And it’s not like he’s done it in a third-hand Fiat Cinquecento: these are high-end machines such as Aston Martins – often equipped with weapons – that he’s careering off the road willy nilly.
This isn’t a bump at low speed on the M6 in rush hour; this is tyre shredding, high impact damage… and I haven’t seen him swap insurance details once.
The cost of James Bond even trying to get third party, fire and theft would soon have him shaken and stirred!
You’d spend your life in a suit
Just think of that moment you come in from work. You kick off your shoes, throw your shirt and tie at the laundry basket and swap your trousers for a comfortable pair of lounge pants.
Well if you’re James Bond you can forget that. He’s always in a whistle and flute.
Now I don’t know about you, but the idea of relaxing at home watching a bit of Netflix doesn’t involve me reaching for the tuxedo.
It seems the suit is ingrained. But how does he manage to leg it away from a terrorist in his three piece suit – usually in a boiling hot country – without breaking sweat?
More annoyingly, when the action is over, there’s not one tear or pull to his fine threads.
It’s all about the thermal socks and hot water bottle, James.
Your body clock would be all over the place
It seems a luxury watch is essential wear for Bond. In truth it’s not a surprise because with the amount of time zones he crosses I’m sure he doesn’t know what day it is.
Jet lag can take it out of the fittest of people and the thought of sorting through emails when your head thinks it’s 5am is sickening enough.
Now imagine balancing on top of a crane when you’ve just jetted in from Marrakesh and having to avoid several dozen bullets fired from a trained marksman.
Oh and then there’s all the packing. What would Bond wear for an outdoor mission in Barcelona during November? There’s a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.
You will have the worst Mondays imaginable
It’s Monday morning.
Your alarm goes at 6.30am, you get up, hit the shower, get changed and maybe if you have time throw a cup of tea down your neck.
It’s still dark and the only things lighting your route are the red brake lights from miles of traffic ahead of you.
When you get to work there are a million emails that need responses yesterday and your computer has decided to act like it’s run on steam.
That’s probably as bad as your Monday will get.
Now think of James Bond. It’s Monday morning and you’re lucky to be alive. You’ve got a stinking hangover and lost a whole lot of money at the casino and you’re lucky to be alive.
You can’t shower because you’re sneaking out the hotel room of the wife of the Swedish Ambassador and you’ve a plane to catch in 30 minutes – and you’re lucky to be alive.
Your suit has a bullet hole in the left breast pocket which pierced your passport (ruining it) and dented your favourite hip flask but mostly you’re lucky to be alive.
Once you get your bearings and head down the corridor you’re chased by terrorists baying for your blood. Which leaves you fleeing for your life, sprinting in a suit, with a hangover – and perhaps wishing you weren’t alive.
Forget going for a pint
It seems Bond has bypassed the option of a crisp, cold beer for a vesper martini, although I can’t imagine a world in which he guzzled down a pint of IPA.
According to experts a vesper martini may be delicious but you’d best limit yourself to one.
Why? Because research from the British Medical Journal worked out across 88 days of which the James Bond books are set he downed 1,150 units of alcohol, which is 92 units a week – four times the recommended intake.
As a result Mr Bond risks impotence, liver damage and early death.
But somehow I don’t think alcohol will be cause of Bond’s early demise – do you?